Stories from the Herd: Safety in Casual Relationships

N, 28, heterosexual

 

I began dating casually for the first time when I was 27. I was nervous about it, but I didn’t even know what kind of questions to ask or what the risks might be. They say experience is the best teacher, so here’s what I learned.

 

On Condoms

 

• Condoms are a must. They are essential to preventing both pregnancy and STDs. Many women don’t realise how much condoms are protecting them. Don’t skip using them unless you are sure your partner is clean of STDs and you’re using some other form of contraception, such as the pill. 

 

• Many STDs can be caught through oral sex – giving or receiving. I would highly recommend avoiding oral sex until you know your partner better and can trust that he’s clean. 

 

[Suggested: Recognising the Signs of an STD]

 

• Given that men can just as easily contract STDs, you would think that men who are casually dating would want to use them, right? Wrong. This isn’t a blanket statement applying to every man I met, but many of them tried to verbally pressure me into offering oral sex, if not penetrative vaginal sex, without a condom. When this happened, I didn’t feel unsafe, but I did feel uncomfortable, which is never conducive to good sex. 

 

Resisting this kind of pressure can feel very difficult and awkward if you’re a people-pleaser like me. Here’s an easy line you can use:

 

“I care a lot about safe sex and I’m not going to do anything without a condom, especially since this is our first time together.” 

 

Ideally, your partner should accept this without question. Some of the men I slept with didn’t, and continued to pressure me. In hindsight, this is where I should’ve left. But again… people pleaser. So I stood my ground on the condoms, and then I gritted my teeth through some really bad sex and left at the earliest opportunity. 

 

I really cannot recommend this method to anyone. In short, it sucked. Instead, the best thing you can do for yourself in this situation is to leave. You can say something like, “I’ve already expressed my boundaries, so if you really don’t want to respect my limits and use a condom, I think it’s best if this stops here and I leave.” The 60 seconds of awkwardness will be worth it for the peace of mind.

 

On Physical Safety 

 

The steps you take to ensure your physical safety will depend on your level of confidence and the general level of safety where you live. I live in a very safe city, but I was nervous about casual sex, so I set the following rules with a close friend: 

 

• When meeting someone for the first time, I would always meet them in a public place.
• From start to finish on the date, my friend had my location. I would give her the meet up details, and if I ended up going to the man’s house after the date, I would drop her the details of his address too. 
• We set up a code word that would look normal to anyone else, but we agreed that if I sent it to her, it meant she had to call me immediately with a fake emergency, and then get me away from that date at all costs. 

 

The same rules applied to her when she went on dates. Luckily, we didn’t have cause to use these safety measures, but it made us feel safer to have them. 

 

On Consent 

 

In any sexual situation, you don’t need a reason to want to stop. “I want to stop” is a complete sentence. “No” is also a complete sentence. 

 

Statistically speaking, I’ve been incredibly lucky. Worldwide, 1 out of every 3 women experiences a form of physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner, according to the United Nations. But something I wish I’d known before I started casual dating was that there’s a middle layer where you are consenting, but not comfortable. I wasn’t physically “forced” to do anything, but I didn’t want to be doing it, and I was just going along with it to prevent an awkward situation. In such cases, the sex would last maybe 20 minutes. I would then spend a lot longer than that feeling ashamed of myself for being so hesitant to assert my boundaries. 

 

What I’ve learned is that with something as intimate and vulnerable as sex, it’s easy to get caught up in self-blame when something doesn’t feel right. That said, I know better now – and now you do too.   

 

Do you have questions about this Herd story, or your own casual dating story to share? We love to hear from you, so please let us know how we can make the Herd better, smarter, and safer.